to fresh beginnings

“ Be patient, be still. Things aren’t always what you want, but they can be. Enjoy the freedom that the here and now brings. Let the future take care of itself, while you take care of the moment.

Inspired, I've came up with my first 2013 resolution: take care of "The Moment" above all else

reflect/ion

(A more serious entry to bid goodbye)

2012 is a year filled with heartaches having to let go of certain people in my life, having to witness for myself how selfish and devious people can be and how most times, life makes it so hard to have faith in things that are actually worth it but despite so, 2012 is also a year filled with love and serendipities. It has proven to me once again that good things do happen to people who believe and not give up. I met people who makes me feel like there's so much more to life, I fell in love and then suddenly it seems like everything just fall right in place. Most importantly, I've grown wiser recognizing and letting go of friendships/things that are shallow and insignificant and that through all the bad times, friendships that are worth a lifetime to protect and keep bonds stronger than ever.

I may have made a lot of wrong judgements and mistakes this year but I felt like I've grown to be more insightful than I used to be. I won't say I'm going to be perfect in 2013 but if I do slip up, I'll (try to) make sure it'll be a better mistake than the ones I've made this year.

goodbye 2012

So what should I say about 2012. It's been a mmm.. bumpy ride? but one thing for sure is that this year cannot be any more amazing than it already is and the best thing that happened this year - Ter. I'm so glad I took that leap of faith with him and I know this is mushy and completely redundant but really, he is everything I've ever dreamed of having and 2012 feels like a miracle entirely because of him.

Mmhmm.. I now can't wait for the new year to start.

Jack, who like me, sleeps all the time these days

9 more days to The Vacation with thboy. So excited.

ISP is finally over. So this marks the end of my first semester and I'm glad to say that all has been good and I hope it will continue to be for the rest of my school life.

It's funny how you always pops into my mind when I'm sorely unhappy and to make things worse, everything I can think about you makes me more unhappy.

so my boyfriend flew to phuket for a holiday this morning. it is our first monthsary today so it's quite sad that he's not around but it's not that bad because i had a really good advanced celebration last night and i also have this photo frame he made filled with pictures and postcards that makes up "i love you" but i have to say before you misunderstand that the frame is not what makes it better for me but the memory that comes as i look at it, that is. the amazing dinner with him sitting opposite me while we eat, him by my side while we picked out our food and him beside me as I cried to ted's temporary death and the many other amazing moments we spent together. he makes me happy in so many ways i can't imagine any one could after all that i've gone through. and i wasn't even expecting much from our first month but he has given me more than i can take and more than what i deserve.

finally... ...

It's like he jumped out from some romantic movie and right into my life in front of my eyes.

I uh… I ummmm…. I can't ssss-sleeeeeeppppp. I have spent the past 1 and a quarter hour doing absolutely nothing. Am so glad I got itunes for company. Would have continued Fifty Shades of Grey if only I didn't remind myself of the belt issue this evening at Georgie's. I am bored… and doomed because I need to wake in like about 4 hours time. Now I pray the sleeping juice puts me to sleep this Sunday night and everything will revert back to normal.

I don't know why but oftentimes it seems to me like I am incapable of feeling anything else besides guilt. Like as if every mistake was made by me and that the only good thing I can do is walk away.

I had my hair colored brown today and now I feel weird when I look into the mirror but I like it. It's something new and I have been thinking about it for a very long time and I finally got to do it so I like it. Yeah… even if it's weird.

Had a great dinner at Astons with the girls tonight. Spent time coming clean with everything that happened in between and I know.. no matter what I say, it wouldn't change the fact that I erred but I was sure that no matter what I do, they would be okay with it in the end and that they would embrace me despite the many flaws I possess. That even though we may not be the best for each other all the time, we would still have each other forever.

Anyway, it's my mom's birthday today and I texted her something really sweet at like 12 sharp earlier on hoping to get a reply but I receive none. Yeah. How rude my mom is. I try to understand though, because there's a chance she might not understand what I was trying to say in the text and also because I'm very possibly the only daughter in the world who would get her own mom a hair clip worth only $3.90. Not that I despise that amount of money but I figured anyone would think $3.90 is too little an amount for a decent birthday gift considering the fact that it is not even enough for a complete meal at Mcdonalds. However, I do have my reasons for doing so but I also believe that there is none that can be counted acceptable hence I decided maybe I should just stop here and go back to eating the leftover rice and soup my sister bought for her dinner today.

Goodnight all.

Everyone's being such an angel to me. Remind me why did I leave in the first place again?

But I shouldn't let it matter to me whether they like me or not because so what if they don't?

It may not be perfect but what is perfect?

 Can't get to sleep.

I spent the past 1 and a half hour painting my nails boring. Actually not exactly because I spent a quarter of that time painting my nails and the rest of it just fixing my One nail because I ruin it like 5 times. Argh……

This month I decided it's time to get over it. Like putting everything behind and cast it all out of my life because I've decided enough is enough. I'm still trying to figure out a way to get it done though. I really don't want to put anyone including myself in a nasty sticky situation and it's hard to come up with the best plan but then again, maybe there is no best plan, just Goodbye I Won't See You Again So Please Get Out of My Life. Yeah… just that.

I fly to the Land of Smiles in 27 days. I can't wait to leave because I'm positive that when I come back after, everything would be fine again and on top of that I can't wait to come back a different person.

You're the anchor holding me down and it may be good if I wanted to stay but I wanted to go.

Tomorrow I will be going for a job interview at 12 noon and I hope I get through. I have an urgent need to make more money and also more importantly, because I'm running out of videos to watch and things to do at home and plus it seems like a really good job for now so… I hope I get through. I always hope I get through. It's like the only thing I do since I got out of school and it's starting to get to me. You know… the hope part? How you have to be patient and wait for a period of time before the final verdict gets pass down to you by mail or through a phone call. It's exhausting. That period of time. It's like having your head on the guillotine waiting for someone to release that blade down but that someone don't and you're just there waiting… Awww… that's gross. Not a good sign. Argh. Why would I even use that as an example. Bad omen.

By the way, the improving myself physically plan I mentioned back at the end of March isn't working. Unless you call rolling back and forth on the bed a form of exercise, I've did basically nothing from then till now and I'm starting to feel really bad letting myself down. However, I'm going to look at things optimistically and continue to work harder because Dalai Lama said "No matter what activity or practice we are pursuing, there isn't anything that isn't made easier through constant familiarity and training." so I may be lacking but I sure as hell am not gonna stop working on it. Hence, I'm in the process of releasing an upgraded version of myself and well, I'm intending to let my history make me stronger not make me falter. Ahh.. Not quite convincing huh?

You were the only guy whom had more than 1 photo with me in my profile pictures. Probably wouldn't mean anything to you but sure means a lot to me. But who knows you could do the things you do even after everything that we went through. Well, that just says so much about your take on friendship and the mother fucking "I love you"s you said when we were together. Guess it was wrong to think that we can count on you.

I have been spending plenty of time in slumber dreaming dreams that don't make sense and when I wake up, I can't tell between what really happened and what not. Like if I actually had a conversation on the phone or if I did read a message from my inbox Or both of it never happened at all. Well, I could check the records on my cellphone and everything would be clear again but let's just say I like it murky or that I'm just plain lazy.

I will be going to KL later at midnight about 2 - 3AM. It's a short getaway trip for the family. I don't know what we will be doing but I hope we will be staying in a good hotel and have lots of good food. Mmmmm…….

Jack and if my hair is short.....

I am hibernating or to be exact, avoiding? See, the thing is I actually like going out just that I didn't want to commit much to my social network. I actually enjoy being alone right now (which is really weird for me) and I really prefer only hanging out with the very same people I hang out with every weekend. It's comfortable. In this case, I have zero connection with my ex-boyfriend whom I have agreed is the major source of the ineffable ache in my heart right now. It seems I appear to be really cruel and I don't disagree with that because truth is I really am right now but I'm really sorry because all of this seem necessary for me to feel okay again. Crazy isn't it?

I finally got my results today at 8 in the morning and I was so excited about it that I woke up automatically at 7:30 AM It wasn't any outstanding grade but I think it's sufficient to say it was a good outcome for me. Anyway, I'm glad I walked through it all and I know it seems cliché but I must say it was a really good learning experience. I mean, seriously, all that shit that has happened really makes me feel more like a stronger person right now.

Yeah… so now I'm just hoping this shit that I'm going through will help make me wiser and better. And to boost the outcome results I'm currently making use of my time being alone to not only help myself emotionally become better but physically too. So I came up with a exercise routine to complete 30 sit-ups and starts to do skipping like half an hour a day. And I've also created a new password protected tumblr with my name as it's url and I don't know how does this helps me be a better person but I'm just saying……

Mmmmmm…. now I'm contemplating if 30 sit-ups and half an hour of skipping would be too little for me who sleeps like what? 15 hours a day? Ahh…..

People are tired of thinking of the past, so you should forget it all. The most important thing now is to grasp the new opportunities that come your way.

I think it's easier for me to live if I never have to think about you again. You just break me apart into so many pieces that I don't feel like it's possible to feel complete again.

Anyway, it's a great saturday spent at the beach. And it would have been better if I didn't remind myself of you.

I believe it's true when they say that time heals everything. So the only reason why I'm still so upset must be because time has not pass long enough for me to heal. So I'm gonna wait. Patiently. Until the time when everything you say or do won't hurt so much anymore. "Good things come to those who wait" I shall wait.

There's always a price to pay.

I've managed to strike out one of the things I want to do after school's out. Yeah…. after a night of intense cleaning and packing up….

It's pack-my-room day and I've been procrastinating for the past 4 hours. It's past 8 already and I'm still lazing around. I'm so tired................

Forgetting you is exactly what I'm trying to do. So walk away.

For me, I never had a clue why I wanted to leave so badly. It was clear to me that I love him so much still and that I wanted all the best things for him. It was clear to me how dear he was and how important it meant to me for him to be in my life. It was all very very clear. But despite so, I can't go against the urge to walk away and not look back. I wanted to leave so badly despite feeling so much for him still and I couldn't understand why but I simply knew I had to. But I think I got a clue now.

"Don't choose the better man, choose the man who makes you a better woman." He didn't make me the better woman. Instead, he made me an angry, petty, horribly absurd woman and I just couldn't accept being that. When I realize how awful I have been, I began to want to rid myself off these things that made me who I am. So I walked away. I just decided that I couldn't live with that so I walked away. I mean, is it wrong to walk away from the things you dislike?

"Don't choose the better man, choose the man who makes you a better woman."

I know why I want to leave now.

At least there's good friendship in my life

I think there's this thing about taking late showers at night. It makes me feel different. Emotionally I mean. I think more and feel more after. It's like all my thoughts and emotions just mysteriously intensify. And I conclude that it's because it's late and I'm tired and the internet no longer serves me well for I have been using it for way too long today so it leads to this.

As the saying goes, an idle mind is the devil's workshop. I couldn't agree better. It's usually in the late nights when you have nothing to do that your mind starts to wander off. Sometimes you think about the good parts in life then sometimes you think about the bad and then there's the sometimes where both the good and bad jumbles up and you're just stumped. Tonight I guess my mind wanders off to the bad part. You know, where I think about the incredibly complicated relationships I have and how I can make everything better but only to realize it's too late. It's all clear now that we have part and there's nothing better than distance and time to cure us off our pain. I used to believe that nothing can take away life's simplicity. Like it's all in your mind. It's true. It's still all in your mind. But of course a different set of mind now. Growing up changes everything. Complicates a lot of things. You think you know something then the next moment you just don't know anymore. Becoming adult is hard. 22 is hard. Tonight is hard. Boo.

Audio test and submission of animation review on Monday and then it will be all over. I can't wait. I thought of a million things I'd do when school's over…

1. ride a bicycle or blade with the company of the sea and a good weather
2. go karaoke at a ridiculously cheap price
3. plan a wild night out with the girls
4. get a job that pays me a 1-month salary enough to go on a vacation
5. tidy up my room and get rid of all the unnecessary junks

Okay. So maybe there isn't a million things but there's definitely more than 6 just that I can't think of it now. I mean, come on, taking out school from my life? Imagine all the freedom I'll get to enjoy and just this thought alone excites me.

I had a really good night out today. Also, I'm done with my FYP this afternoon. I did okay for everything so I guess it marks a good end. Lots of crazy stuff happened in between, both for the better and the worse but I'm really glad I'm finally able to move on to another phase of my life. Mmmmm.... I can see fun is on it's way.

My face is covered with a white sheet of goodness only revealing my eyes, nostril holes and mouth as I type. So I am doing a mask to make sure I look okay for the presentation tomorrow morning. It's like 9 in the morning and I have to speak to a crowd filling the entire auditorium and of course I had to do something to make sure I don't look dead, sleepy or exhausted like I just walked out of a zombie killing town as the only survivor. It's my last presentation in this school and I definitely want to leave a good impression. What I'm thinking is that at least there's my vibrant face to save it all if you know, I happen to screw up my speech… At least there's like one thing that's fine about me.

Anyway, I had Mcdonalds for dinner today. Bought a cheese burger, fries and an apple pie. The lady taking my order at the counter got really frustrated when I started making requests like fries without salt and then a last minute one about removing the pickles from my burger. She was really unhappy I supposed, because she didn't even bother to give me a plastic bag to carry she just handed me the brown paper bag without handles straight expecting me to leave. Feeling bad, I decided maybe I should just leave her alone so I ended up walking home under a really hot sun, my hands moving all the time trying to figure out the most comfortable way to hold that bag without it slipping off my fingers. So much for special orders… In my bedroom with my burger I think about that uncomfortable journey back home and wonder if I should be less fussy or if that lady had to be more patient. Either way, I should have just ask for that plastic bag. Really could have save me all that trouble. Guess I should work on making better decisions.

2 days to my final presentation and a good dinner to celebrate my graduation. To be honest, graduating is a big deal. School is a major pain in the ass and graduating after going through everything is worth celebrating. I get to have an amazing spread laid on my table because I survived all that crap thrown on me. I'm a survivor (and) an avid food lover. Nobody can take that credit off me.

February's coming to an end and that said it means I need to go get a job soon to provide for my limitless craving for pleasure. I have been held down for far too long and I can't wait to finally be free but for now... I shall be held captive but do my best to enjoy the moment with my black bean paste noodle. bye!

amazing as always

Friday at Yvian's

Pereguin and pam surprised me by buying dinner to my place today. I was still in bed then. Sleepy. 3 of us squeezed in the same room for dinner then on the same bed for What's Your Number. How homey.

So, in case you're wondering why I'm back here, I've decided to write again. I'm not sure if this is going to be a daily thing but I think I'll write as often as I can. Document my memories before I forget them all. Reading through what I wrote before is like taking a walk down memory lane and it's nice. Both the good and the bad taught me a lot. And it's a joy to see how far I've come. Mmmmm.... guess I call this growing up.